One of the most discouraging things I have struggled with is the feeling of regression. I hate the feeling of moving backward. Something I’ve experienced this year that I haven’t really experienced before are feelings of jealousy towards my past self. Despite never experiencing such a thing until now, it makes a lot of sense to me. We tend to compare ourselves to those who are similar to us and who are more similar than our literal selves.
My first year away from home was quite thrilling. From making the bestest friends I could have asked for, exciting memories, and falling in and out of love over and over, it made for the most miraculous roller coaster. A roller coaster we all experience in one way or another. Naturally, my nostalgic lens had me romanticizing it all, and my second year I found myself competing with my life a year prior. I compared myself to the timeline of my first year, assuming breakthroughs to happen at similar times. When they wouldn’t, I would feel more and more defeated.
In this state of lack I held onto some of what was crucial to my development a year ago. Habits and relationships in particular. But as life continues, what was once rich becomes stale the longer we pick at it. It’s time to move on, but our attachment keeps us holding out hope that life will resume as it once was.
I think 99% of myself realized this, but that one percent was not ready to let go, and the 1% was all that was needed to keep my life from moving forward in a positive way. I felt stuck in a state of limbo, no longer immersed in what used to satisfy me but not embracing the change enough to allow it to take over my world in a positive manner.
I honestly think I just got sick of it. I got sick of waiting. Sick of being disappointed in myself as well as those I was closest to. I think sometimes we just need to stick it out through the pain until we have the courage to say no more. At least, if it’s within our control.
So I let go of it. Again. But that’s the constant cycle isn’t it? I think we all have challenges unique to our lives. The most challenging for me so far has been detachment in order to embrace my life in the present. To let go of stale love to allow room for vibrant affection.
A week later, after letting go, I was at my lowest. I felt like a loser. Instead of falling back, I called my friend from home and told her how I was feeling. That I felt I had been fighting myself for nine months, and I just lost. She empathized and told me I’d get over it. Sometimes, when you don’t trust yourself, it’s important to turn to those around you you actually do trust. And although I still felt like shit, I believed her because I trusted her, and that made me hopeful. Soon after, everything became better. Like that emotional burden of unhealthy attachment had been lifted from my shoulders, and surrendering to what I thought was my loss became my gain. I was happy. Really happy.
It doesn’t matter how long it takes because once you reach that era of bliss, it’s like none of the pain mattered. All of a sudden, I’m grateful for everything. I recognize that nothing happening now could have happened without all of it. We only really care when it hurts. When life feels good, the only thing we care about is enjoying it.
