One week before I graduated, my class and I went to Santa Cruz Channel Island and camped for two nights. I got the film developed recently, so it is the perfect opportunity to share photos and highlights from the trip. Our days consisted mostly of hiking, a little bit of swimming, and lots of time at the campground doing whatever we pleased.
This trip represented a turn in my life, a change of feelings, energy, and circumstances. I felt it take place more during camping than I did during graduation, committing to a college, and any other “last” opportunities of high school I had. The circumstances provided gave me exactly what I needed. I was able to do a significant amount of processing and move forward after the past year. Surrounded by people I was close to and not having access to some aspects of the modern world gave me space and emotional protection.
Finding Contentment
I brought my journal with me and I’d write in the mornings on the outskirts of our site. I felt safe in my head, sometimes uncomfortable but manageable, and with a sense of hopefulness. I’m beginning to learn that one can be content and still be sad. Or angry. Or happy. Being content is the ability to let an emotion flow through you and not let it destroy you. Being content is being present.
Many times I have succumbed to the idea that life is driven by fate. Although I think it is important to let go of things you can not control, I often forget that I am able to make choices in the present moment that will affect me constantly in the future. I forget that actions have a significant impact on my life. It is so easy to dive down a hole of self-pity and victimization. It continues to baffle me since I have so much to love in my life, and I know I can manifest more.
The Battle Between Intuition and Ego
Still, I find myself time and time again wanting what I do not have, even when I am confident that I would be more miserable with it. It sounds like a battle happening between my ego and intuition. My intuition tells me to let go, to be proactive with my choices, and not be consumed by lust. My ego confuses my intuition, telling me that my desires are needs, especially when they don’t bring me closer to my fullest Self. When I listen to my ego, it feels like I will never be satisfied. The only piece of happiness I would experience consumed by the ego would be emotional, not sustainable.
On this trip, I recognized that it is better to allow the ego’s pain to pass and not allow it to control my actions. The ego believes life is controlled by unlucky fate. The Self realizes life is controlled by the choices we make. Soon I would leave the island and have choices to make.
