Ending finals early, I was able to spend some time at home before traveling for spring break. I’ve found myself indulging my introvert, spending much time alone focusing on domestic productivity. My body seems to know when it’s allowed to rest. Ever since arriving back home, I’ve been more tired and drawn to restorative activities, such as going to bed earlier, journaling for longer in the mornings, and taking long hot tub soaks in the rain.
Even when I intentionally spend time alone up at school, I never really experience what it’s like to not be surrounded by others. Even going to the dorm bathroom is commonly a social event, distracting from true solitude. I never really feel alone in the dorms, and it makes me crave being at home from time to time, separate from the constant social interaction.
But when I finally arrive home, it’s almost as if I’ve forgotten how to be alone. It’s such a stark difference from living in the dorms that it takes me a second to adjust, and as soon as I do, I’m back at school.
There’s always been a little cottagecore soul inside of me, wanting to spend many of my days in solitude picking flowers and baking, and whenever I come home I feel that I am more able to express that version of myself. So that is what I have been doing, spending time doing mindful activities. But there is one catch. Mindfulness has felt so distant recently.
It’s frustrating when something that used to feel so familiar now feels so distant. I think it is partly because I have been dissatisfied with my work. I feel that I am not creating enough, and when I do, I am unhappy with my creation. And then there are other things. Music doesn’t sound as good as it used to. Every imperfection or thing that doesn’t fit with the image I have procured in my head as the “perfect life” causes a subtle lurching feeling in my stomach. At night I’m scared of my thoughts. I’ve been sick for over a month. My outfits are uninspiring. And more than anything, I don’t feel present, no matter how hard I try.
To be honest, I have no idea what to do about it. But I know that at least trying to be mindful is keeping me happier than if I was not trying, so that is what I’ve been doing. And throughout it all, I think that I’ve been learning things about myself and how to take care of myself in dull moments. Although I feel tired, sick, and distant, it is still who I am in this present moment, and I want to take care of all versions of myself, not only the versions I like. I’ve been noticing that when I show myself love more consistently, I tend to love myself and my life more often than not. And lulls in anything are normal, even if they are unpleasant. So here are some ways that I’ve been nurturing this current version of myself and this “lull” in my life.
Tea Time and Tea
Upon arriving home, I immediately asked my grandma if I could come over to catch up. I love spending time with her, being surrounded by her crystals and candles lit, every window open letting in natural light, and Eagles playing on vinyl. We went to her kitchen to prepare tea, this particular brew consisting of lemon and honey.
Holding a conversation allows us to vocalize our thoughts, but sometimes I find myself getting so carried away that I forget I even exist. This is a beautiful thing in itself, but when trying to be present, I find getting “carried away” to be a little distracting. This is why I love holding a hot beverage while conversing. It makes the act more grounding, needing to balance liquid in a ceramic mug and occasionally taking a sip while the other person is talking. I also think that it allows for a healthier flow of conversion, leaving space at times allowing for the other person to jump in and add their thoughts if I have been consuming too much of the speaking.
Bread Baking
One simple joy I have is getting spontaneous urges and acting upon them. I would classify this next activity as such. Never before have I had an intense desire to bake bread, but on this rainy evening, nothing was going to stop me from doing so. I drove to the grocery store while it was pouring outside in order to retrieve instant yeast. While driving I saw lighting flash followed by rumbling thunder that seemed to lightly shake my car.
As the sky turned to a gray twilight outside, I was in the kitchen stirring together my salt, flour, and yeast. It was fascinating waking up and seeing that what I had concocted had successfully risen, and smelling it bake in the oven made me feel like I was living in the cottage of my dreams. I invited my friend over for the hot bread as well as a salad and tea. We watched our favorite TV show, BBC’s Merlin, and it was a lovely moment.
Outdoor Exploration
No matter the weather or the day, I always try to get outside. We live in such a beautiful world and I am so lucky to be surrounded by natural beauty that it would be a shame if I didn’t try to enjoy it at least once a day.
After our stomachs were full of homemade bread, my friend and I ventured a ten-minute drive to a park looking over our city. The winter storms had caused intriguing cascaded land, water streaming down from the eroded soil. The land that was left undamaged was covered in green grass and emerging flowers. We pranced around in muddy fields and peaked around the abandoned home of the park we frolicked in. The ocean was blue to our right, and the clouds above created a gap, sunlight gazing through its opening and shining onto a portion of the city below.
Journaling and Tarot Readings
Every day in my morning routine I try to go outside, journal, and pull a tarot card. Lately I’ve been spending more time writing and pulling cards since I have not had a schedule. On this particular morning I trudged myself to a park close to my house. I pulled three tarot cards instead of my typical one, and spent lots of time writing in my journal.
The morning time is medicine to my spirit, so I nourish basking outside under the sky and sitting in the earth if I am able to. I feel more present being outside, and less people tend to be out in the mornings which makes it easier to to take care of myself without worrying about others.
Sewing
I love creating anything, but something I often come back to is sewing. My mom enrolled me in sewing lessons as a kid and I’ve always liked it. I still have a broken sewing bag with all of my supplies, and a sewing machine I stole from our family’s supply closet.
A thrifted denim skirt that failed to fit me was sitting in my fabric basket for quite a while and I decided to put it to use. I thought sewing denim would be easy enough, and I couldn’t be more wrong. However, it has been a fun challenge to develop my basic sewing skills and create something that will get more use out of it than the skirt was ever going to. I still need to finish the bag, but the process itself has been time-consuming enough that I found it fitting to put it into this blog post.
