I recently found this old journal entry in my Notes app. It was from 2018, I was 14, and it’s the oldest example I have found of me beginning to do some self-reflection and realization. It went a little like this…
“I think that whenever something bad has been happening, I’ve been coming back from it. For example, after a bad week, I have a good practice. After a bad quiz, I retake it and get an A.”
Despite my obvious lack of critical thinking in this journal entry, I think it kind of demonstrates how I felt about the last 3ish years I spent in college. They were a time of processing whatever life threw at me, making some sense of it, and finding myself in a process.
And now, after graduating, I don’t really have a grand conclusion to tie it all together with a neat bow. The day I have it figured out, I won’t be spending hours making a god damn YouTube video. That’s for sure. There is nothing grand about any of this. Life continues, and I am honestly just so stoked about that.
The figuring-it-out part is meant for creating and making sense of life, so that’s why I’ve decided to start this series. To try to figure something out.
Homecoming
January felt like a dream.
The time I spent unemployed, doing jack diddly squat and just hanging out with the people I love, was pure bliss. Nothing lasts forever, but I felt I owed it to myself to spend this month living as if I had no fear it would end.
I’ve been feeling a bit creatively burned out, as you can probably tell from some of my more recent videos, and resting from everything has been the best gift I could ever receive. The best part is that within that rest, I have learned the art of creativity without expectation.
Creativity without Expectation
Take cooking, for example. Cooking has always been pure fun to me with very low stakes. Despite being average, I can follow a recipe, and most of the time I make something I am stoked to consume. The process and the result are rewarding.
Not to mention the gratitude I hold for the space it renders for connection. When I still lived near school, that space for connection took the form of listening to podcasts or YouTube videos. A bit of a false sense of connection, since it was tied to the online world, but still, it got the job done.
Now, I usually get to be around my family, and the older I get, the more I appreciate them and the connection we share. There really isn’t a part of me that takes that connection for granted anymore, and the same goes with my friends. People are so imperfect and awesome. We need them so bad.
Connection’s Draw to Love
And I think that’s what the most creative things do. True creativity comes in the form of vibrant connection. Connection to love. Creativity cherishes what feels real and untouched within us.
I’m trying to figure out how I can loop that last sentence back into cooking.
Let’s see. I mean… cooking feels real because it’s food and we need food to survive, so therefore it is easy to connect with cooking, and the untouched part, I suppose, is my ravenous self ready to eat dinner.
Basically, I just think that cooking is a very low-pressure way to be creative, connect with others, and feel seen by one another.
A Journey to Nor-Cal
But this desire to connect drove me further than my kitchen. To be more precise, 6 hours that took my friend Sophia and me into Northern California, to visit our good friend Caitlin.
It’s people like these two who simultaneously inspire me to live more boldly while also taking the pressure off. Things don’t always have to be that serious, and spending time with them always creates more space within me for what really makes life worth living: hope, inspiration, humor, wonder, creativity, and love.
Not Caring for Harshness
Maybe part of the reason I feel like I don’t have anything too bold to say is that my recent joy has been coming from – just not caring as much about the things that only drag you into a dark hole. It’s the people in my life I love who keep me caring about what really matters, and most of that lies outside this little head telling us we aren’t good enough.
The good lies in presence. The good lies in finally turning that harsh voice off and focusing on everything that’s supporting you, while simultaneously putting energy into the things you support, whether that be a creative passion, people, your career, or a goal. Inspiration itself should be the motivator, not the feeling that you desperately need to change something.
The Feeling Behind our Goals
When we break down the motivation behind our goals, it is rarely ever the goal itself. It’s usually the feeling we think we will achieve by accomplishing that goal. In general, our goals aim to lead us to a place where we live more fully. The best part is that we almost always have the capacity to teach ourselves to live more fully.
So in this next chapter, I don’t want to strive towards anything that isn’t encouraging a life fuller of, well, life. Nothing would mean anything if it didn’t lead to deeper connection and love.
I’m so excited to be posting videos (and writing these blog posts ;)) again. These next few months could really go in so many different directions, and despite having a rough plan, I’m kind of terrified but also love that I don’t know what’s going to happen. It’s exciting, and I think we easily forget how exciting uncertainty has the potential to be. With good reason, might I add, because uncertainty in various contexts can also feel or be incredibly limiting.
I just aspire to make the most of whatever makes its way into my reality and embrace it all as much as I can because, well, this is it.
