During the past years, I have learned an incredible amount about friendship. Specifically, how critical empathy is to get to know someone and deepen a relationship. I am still working on all of the things I have listed below. That being said, I still have a lot of thoughts and ideas I want to share.
Empathetic vs. Sympathetic
What makes my close connections so important to me is empathy and trust. Empathy is a large proponent of healing in my life, and the more I have of it the more liberated I feel. True empathy comes from trusting the individual you are with. My best conversations take place when I am not thinking very consciously. When I get into the flow of a good conversation, I am able to stop thinking about whether my words make sense, or if the person I am with is interested. I feel the most heard when my friend relates an experience I am having back to them or vice versa. To listen is to be sympathetic, and to engage is to be empathetic.
The Myth of Speaking in Conversation
I feel that many of us have learned that talking a lot is bad. We have heard that it is selfish to express our voices passionately, and that to take up space in a conversation is rude. It is of course important to listen and remain silent at times, though I will be the first to say that I love talking and speaking my thoughts loudly. For a long time, I was confused about how to engage with others. I enjoyed talking but didn’t want to talk too much for fear people would grow uninterested. However, when I would only listen I became bored and would begin to daydream. Now, I know that expressive communication is vital to my wholesome connections, and feeling free to speak without constraint allows me to not only connect more with my friends, but also with myself. I love talking. My friends love talking. There is space for us all to share what we want. Realizing that I have permission to speak and be empathized with changed all of my relationships.
Honesty and the Art of Not Taking Things Personally
But how does one cultivate such relationships? How does one become so comfortable with another that time seems to stop, and the conversation flows with such ease that one forgets it is even taking place? How can we become so trusting that we do not feel a need to manage the words we say? This is where I believe honesty comes to play. The two ideas I want to touch on are how to receive blunt honesty as well as how to give it. When being honest with someone, the intention is the driving factor on how it will come across. My friends and I often say harsh but helpful things to one another. When I know someone truly cares about me and is giving me advice, the bluntness comes across as constructive. Even when my friends critique my decisions, I do not feel judged. I feel cared for. On the flip side, when we receive criticism, no matter who it is from, I believe it is important to recognize what part of the criticism is personal to ourselves, and what is personal to the person critiquing us.
